To Be Honest Read online

  To Mom and Dad and “Eve” and all the others who managed to love me even when I was most unpleasantly myself

  Copyright © 2020 Michael Leviton

  Cover © 2020 Abrams

  Published in 2020 by Abrams Press, an imprint of ABRAMS. All rights reserved.

  No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2019939894

  ISBN: 978-1-4197-4305-4

  eISBN: 978-1-68335-822-0

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  Contents

  Prologue

  Part 1: Just Being Honest

  Chapter 1: Most People

  Chapter 2: My Miseducation

  Chapter 3: Teenage Truths

  Chapter 4: Family Camp

  Part 2: An Honest Living

  Chapter 5: Open Mic

  Chapter 6: This Is Not Normal

  Chapter 7: To Know Her Is to Love Her

  Chapter 8: Uncomfortable Questions

  Chapter 9: The Polite Way to Say No Is to Say Yes

  Part 3: The Dishonest Days

  Chapter 10: Forbidden Subjects

  Chapter 11: This Is Normal

  Chapter 12: The Mercy of Censorship

  A Postscript on Truth

  Acknowledgments

  Prologue

  This was the end of the honest days. I’d held out my whole life, but even I had to admit it was time to surrender and start lying. I wasn’t sure what I could stomach; my three previous attempts at falsity—one at age five, one again at eighteen, and a third at twenty-six, one lie each decade—had been nauseating, but I had to at least try. My moment of truth was my moment of untruth.

  I slumped on the couch in the low light of the Brooklyn apartment Eve and I had shared until a few months before. I’d intentionally left on only one dim lamp. I’d always prided myself on being able to face anything, no matter how painful, but I couldn’t look at the world Eve and I had built together over the last seven years: the vintage vanity I’d given her where she got ready every morning, her easel and paintings and drawings and musical instruments everywhere, the dining table we’d made by attaching a walnut tabletop to the wrought iron base of a 1930s Singer sewing machine. I couldn’t bear to look so I sat in the dark.

  Authenticity was supposed to attract the rare people who would appreciate me for who I really was. That was how it had felt with Eve. But my terrible sincerity had eventually poisoned us just as it had poisoned everything else.

  There were no support groups for people who wanted to be less honest. Therapy was about “speaking your truth,” not “shutting up for once.” Whatever advice everybody else needed, I needed the opposite.

  I brought a pen and paper to the sewing machine table, sat down, and wrote myself some new rules:

  — Hide your feelings.

  — Avoid answering questions. No one really wants to know.

  — When someone claims to like honesty, don’t believe it. To them, the word has a different meaning.

  — Do NOT be yourself.

  These rules struck me as comically stupid, the worst possible advice. I wanted to call Eve and ask her what she thought, but I reminded myself that calling my ex-girlfriend to update her about how I was dealing with our breakup was a perfect example of the sort of thing I needed to stop doing.

  Despite having inspired thousands of grimaces, glares, and uneasy retreats, it still surprised me that my honesty bothered people so much. Even as I clutched that pen to begin training my brain to lie, my mind Rolodexed through dozens of famous quotes about how great it felt to speak your truth. So many people never said what they most longed to say. Someone once told me she wished for a day that no one else would remember, a day to tell everyone what she really thought. For me, every day was that free. Telling the truth felt like singing. But it also made most people want to strangle me.

  Everyone else was well-acquainted with the countless reasons to hold tongues and plug ears, but I couldn’t fathom them. Why wouldn’t you want to hear what others thought? Why wouldn’t you tell them what you thought? I found the whole situation vexing and unrelatable. People claimed to appreciate honesty but lied or encouraged lying dozens of times a day, if not hundreds. When I met someone new, I often gave them permission to be honest with me, but they never took me up on it. The more I pushed for honesty, the more they lied, and the more annoyed we all became. And no one was willing or able to give me a satisfying explanation why.

  With a heartbreak-shaky hand, I wrote down more rules:

  — Don’t treat others the way you’d like to be treated. They hate that.

  — Learn to small talk.

  — Instead of searching for those who will appreciate who you really are, try to be what the person in front of you wants.

  As far as I could see, dishonesty made others genuinely happy. They had to know something I didn’t. Why else would the world be so hell-bent on pressuring me to lie? Pretty much everyone insisted that what I called dishonesty wasn’t dishonest at all, that I sounded ridiculous casually referring to perfectly normal behavior as “fraud.” It was time to take off my lie-colored glasses.

  When I tell the stories of my honest days and my dishonest days, many get mad at me or sad at me. Honesty-lovers don’t like when I suggest that expressing myself could be so destructive. Honesty-haters resent me for realizing so late that it was wrong to make people uncomfortable. Some have tried to tell me that “everyone respects honesty” mere moments before advising that I shouldn’t tell my story. Some suggest that my writing this book reveals I’m not sufficiently ashamed, that I haven’t learned my lesson, or at least that I’m ignoring it. I can see their point: I’ve supposedly resolved not to tell all and here I am writing a “tell-all.” Maybe this book is just an excuse to relapse, to rekindle my tragic romance with truth-telling. Ill-advised as it may be, I’m going to tell you stories that risk making you mad or sad at me. Usually, when you ask someone to be honest, you can count on them knowing you don’t mean it. With this book, that is not the case. By continuing to read, you’re asking for honesty. And I’m going to give it to you.

  Part 1

  Just Being Honest

  Chapter 1

  Most People

  My parents prepared me far in advance for life’s inevitable tragedies (death, rejection, failure, etc.). By age four, I’d heard about many scary things, but I was particularly fixated on vaccinations. I’d lie in bed envisioning the giant dripping syringes I’d seen in cartoons. Eventually, in August of 1984, Mom tipped me off that I’d be getting a shot the next day.

  At the time, we lived an hour outside Los Angeles in Claremont, a tree-lined college town with a little park every few blocks. My parents had settled in Claremont out of desperation. After their college graduations, no one would hire them—they were too honest to make it past job interviews—so Mom put together Dad’s encyclopedic knowledge of music and the fact that Claremont didn’t have a record store and suggested they start one. It was an honest living.

  The nursery school I was about to attend had set up an immunization tent across the street at the edge of a park. The trip to get my shot felt like a typical family
outing, but with added dread. The summer sidewalk warmed through my canvas shoes and the sun darkened my freckles. I was an indoor child. Whenever I went outside, I complained that the sun was too hot.

  We stepped onto the park’s grass and I spotted the bluetarped immunization tent of doom. I turned to Mom and Dad, scratched my bowl-cut head, and said, “This is like when Bugs Bunny walks to the firing squad.”

  Mom laughed with enough force to skew her oversize prescription sunglasses. “You’re so funny, Michael,” she said. “Even when you’re scared, you’re hilarious!” Mom’s wild laugh made me nervous that my baby brother, Josh, would tumble out of the pouch hanging from her chest. But I was also happy to see Mom laughing, because the whole morning she’d been frowning and fidgeting with her wristwatch.*

  The crowd of four-year-olds and parents reclined on provided blankets or lawn chairs, swung on the swings, dug in the sandbox, and teeter-tottered, showing no concern. Dad lit up. “I have a prediction,” he said. Dad often made a game of predicting the behavior of strangers. He was always right, always knew exactly what everyone else would say and do; to me, it was magic.

  Dad scratched his short, brown beard, prolonging the suspense. “I bet,” he said, raising a thick, dark eyebrow, “most of these parents didn’t warn their kids about the shots.” Dad’s predictions were about “most people,” never “all people.” He told me to dismiss those who generalized about “all people” because nothing was true of everyone.

  Dad only predicted the most normal behavior. When he took me to my first concert, he said, “Watch this: Ringo is gonna ask the audience how they’re feeling tonight and most of the audience will cheer.” When he brought me with him shopping, he said, “When I tell the salesman how much I’m willing to spend, he’ll immediately show me something more expensive.”

  When I asked Dad how he read minds and told the future, he explained, “Most people imitate whatever everyone else is doing. They follow a script and recite lines we’ve heard hundreds of times, lines somebody else wrote.” When I asked why people didn’t make up something new, Dad replied, “They’re afraid that if they really express themselves, someone might not like them. And they’re incredibly scared of someone not liking them.” Dad would shake his head and say, “It’s ridiculous.”

  Delivering his newest prediction, Dad smirked and paused, building suspense before elaborating. “I suspect that most of these kids think they’re on a regular trip to the park.”

  “Their parents tricked them!?” I asked in horror.*

  “Most people think lying is good parenting.” Dad grinned with laugh-wrinkles around his eyes as he always did when he mocked “most people.”†

  We stepped from the sidewalk onto the grass and sat down, and Dad stretched out his long, hairy legs. I only remember him wearing one outfit for my whole childhood: a worn-out T-shirt emblazoned with a band name, often tie-dye, with beige shorts. I remember Mom dressing with more variation, sometimes in baggy T-shirts and jeans, sometimes in loose black dresses that ballooned behind her.

  I observed the families in the grass around us to get a sense of how many children knew why we were here. The blue tent opened and a mother emerged, red-faced, dragging her sobbing son by the wrist. Children’s heads turned. A crew-cut boy on a blanket next to us shifted and wiggled. This boy gestured toward the crying child and asked his father, “Why is he sad?”

  The boy’s father rubbed the scruff of his neck and replied, “He’s fine.”

  I took in this lying father: blond, clean-shaven, wearing a button-up collared shirt with the sleeves rolled over his muscled forearms. His son squirmed harder and the neck-massaging slowed. The boy asked again, “But why is he crying?”

  At this, the father said nothing. The crew-cut boy gazed at his unresponsive father. I felt sorry for him.

  Dad muttered mournfully, “It’s ridiculous.”*

  Nearby children eavesdropped on each other’s exchanges and repeated the same questions to their own families. The lying parents either said the shot wouldn’t hurt or avoided discussing it. One mother said, “I’ll never let anyone hurt you.” One by one, each kid erupted into his or her own style of tantrum.

  I knew the shot would be painful, but I wasn’t sure how painful, so I asked Mom, “What does a shot feel like?”

  “It stings,” Mom whispered. “About as much as a splinter. But the pain goes away much faster.” My splinter-foot experience had been one of my most traumatic. It soothed me to know I’d already survived worse. I felt confident that her assessment of the pain would be accurate. I imagined how maddening it’d be if I couldn’t trust my parents, to have questions and no one reliable to ask, no certainty, no floor or ceiling.

  A nurse* emerged from the tent and called my name. I could tell she was from the tribe of “most people.” We followed her into the tent. Inside, it was spare and shady, with a grass floor. I noticed a single poster hanging on the wall: a drawing of a winking bunny giving a thumbs-up.

  The shot chair was child size, so my legs didn’t swing. The nurse eyed me, readying herself for the jittery boy in front of her to freak out. When she uncovered the needle, I saw it was smaller than the ones in cartoons. I twisted my neck to watch as the nurse brought the shot to where my short sleeve ended.

  “Look over there,” the nurse said, pointing at the tent wall. “At the bunny.”

  “I want to look at the shot,” I told her.

  “Look at the bunny,” she repeated.

  The nurse hesitated and glanced at my parents, who were watching wide-eyed, enthralled by what they were witnessing. The nurse shrugged and I said, “I told you I want to see. Don’t you believe me?”

  The nurse’s squint hardened into a baffled scowl. I’d been rude, but in a way she found unfamiliar.†

  The nurse pushed in the needle and I gaped in awe. The sting set me off wincing and squirming, but it was exactly what Mom had described. I smiled, admiring Mom’s precision. My expression confused the nurse. She bent down to my level, warmly shook my little hand, and told me, “You’re the bravest boy I’ve ever seen.” I inflated with pride. I trusted her expertise because she’d given so many shots. And it sounded true that few children would smile at their first shot, if any. I basked in her comment, official evidence that I was the world’s bravest kid.* I felt as if I’d been given an award. I was about to launch into a speech about how I owed it all to my parents when Dad interrupted to give one himself.

  “All these kids would be brave if they were given the chance,” Dad said. “Their parents can’t even admit that a shot exists.”

  Mom beamed, her glasses crooked again. “These kids aren’t really crying about shots,” she added. “They’re crying because they’ve been betrayed by their parents.”†

  The nurse heard my parents going on, frowned, and turned back to me. “I think you’re the bravest boy I’ve ever met.” I suspected she felt sorry for me because my parents were behaving very differently from other parents, and that led her to assume they’d raise me to be a lunatic.†

  I strode out of the tent, my arm bearing a cotton swab and a Band-Aid. I envisioned the glorious future awaiting the bravest kid in the world, the thrilling things I’d see while others were too frightened to look. I imagined other kids wasting their lives with eyes trained on winking bunnies, missing everything of interest.

  I turned around to thank Mom and Dad for telling me the truth. But they didn’t look proud anymore. Mom’s head rested on Dad’s shoulder, and his arm curled around her.

  “It’s so unfair,” Mom said.

  Dad sighed. “She saw the proof: Michael didn’t cry. She lies to children and we called her out. She’s embarrassed and taking it out on us.”

  Mom moped along, cry-speaking, “She didn’t like us.”

  Dad slid his arm off her and his walk stiffened. “Her opinion shouldn’t matter. At all. She’s a random stranger.”*

  “We were just being honest,”† Mom said, hanging her head. I conside
red hugging her and telling her I loved her, but then I sensed Dad’s irritation and I took his side instead. I wanted Mom to accept that people wouldn’t like us and that it was worth it. We couldn’t be both normal and special. The bravest child in the world couldn’t simply fit in. I’d been well-prepared for the glamorous isolation of the honest.

  My parents would have argued that children are born truth-tellers, that we revel in self-expression until parents, teachers, and friends punish or shame our honesty away. Most consider it more natural and common for children to have trouble expressing themselves, to instead imitate, do whatever it takes to get attention and love. There are studies that say kids start lying around age two unless you specifically condition them not to. Either way, my parents didn’t set out to make our family into a little honesty cult. They were only being themselves. As in most families, any brainwashing was unintentional.

  Nice Isn’t Respectful

  In my early childhood, before I started school, Mom spent every day with me making games out of sharing our thoughts. I’d dictate stories for Mom to write down, and then we’d take turns illustrating. When I’d watch TV or movies, I’d dash back and forth between Mom and the TV, describing whatever I’d seen. I liked talking about TV more than watching it. Mom recognized how much I liked talking and even made a game out of interviewing me. Sometimes it resembled “Would You Rather?” or “Truth or Dare” without the dares. Coming up with opinions, deciding what I thought and articulating it: these were my favorite games. By the time I was four, Mom loved my talking so much that she decided to record it.

  Mom rested a tape recorder in front of me at my little plastic table and invited me to speak freely. She listened, hunched meekly, with the shy giddiness of a fan who had won a contest to interview her favorite celebrity. “When I press the button, tell me all your thoughts,” she said. I gazed through the tape recorder’s window at the revolving spindles and went off on a stream-of-consciousness philosophical improvisation without “umms” or pauses, pronouncing my r’s like w’s: “If you got love to add,” I said on one of the tapes, “you got love for everybody in the whole world!” I went on for a while explaining that I’d no longer eat gum because I’d seen a commercial that warned about “gum disease.” I talked on and on until the recorder clicked off. Mom returned to the table, the corners of her smile extended high enough to reach the frames of her giant glasses, and embraced me. A hug from Mom was like being hit by an affectionate truck. “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,” she’d say. “I love all your thoughts!” I named these recordings “Michael Talking Tapes” and Mom left them in the tape player next to my bed so I could listen to them as I fell asleep, lulled in the dark by my own uncensored voice.